Moving on from a nightmare job

What is this peculiar feeling that I’m feeling. Feels like my heart is beating faster than usual today and my stomach sinking, full of butterflies … Is it a forecasting of what things are to come?

Spent the weekend actually searching for “rinaz” for google. I’ve been using this nick for as long as I could remember and thought that it would be interesting to see the things that I could find with it.

First up, I found my gallery from renderosity during my cybertown days. I remember feeling very proud of my creations as even though it wasn’t that superb, I’ve put in my heart and soul in them and was very proud of them! I’m still proud of my 3D right now.

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A faerie’s hope has always been one of my favourites

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I actually enjoyed drawing her hair strand by strand. 🙂

Google search also brings me to the Singapore Digital Photography meetup group. I wasn’t too active in that group though, it didn’t seem to be very active and there hasn’t been any activities there even when I started out.

I found myself at and I was amazed as I haven’t been to that website for ages and ages. I used to go there for different wallpapers under the recommendation of an ex-student from the commercial school that I was teaching previously and I quite like the website.

I see my name on A friend, I made from secondlife. Lovely girl, but a little scary sometimes …

I found my moblog account! Wow! My sony imagestation account and the desktop project where anyone from diverse countries sends a screenshot of their desktop. Heck, I even see my name in the Jennifer Lopez song review

How amazing!

The most amazing one would definitely be a website that I made on, way back in 2001 (Be forewarned that it had LOADS of popups)

But I look back at the writing style and can’t help to wonder would a 20 year old Marina, recognize herself 5 years in the future?

Interesting quotations that I didn’t even realise that I wrote.

Ramsden said: “You can never have your cake and eat it at the same time”. I don’t even have a cake right now, just a dry biscuit

If life wasn’t filled with failure then people would take things for granted. Then how would anyone learn?

Monday, the start of my freedom of the clutches of employment. I find myself just as busy as the same. Went down to school for a while in the afternoon to pass something to Jane, the admin there. Chatted a while to Linda and then left to Jurong East to register in the employment agencies there. I’m not sure how effective the work there is, having tried the same thing when I was 20 or so with no response, but I thought I’d try it anyways.

Went to night class after that and had Amir, a security guard at Monks Hill Secondary, who I befriended to take me home. As soon as I reached home, mum pounced at me with all the documents from the company – the letter of confirmation, the letter of termination, and others. She talked animatedly about how she had a talk with her lawyer friend and described that I had a very solid case against the company. All you need now is a copy of your attendance and your bank statements.

Tuesday. There’s no reason why I should lay idle at home. Had a ceiling to floor spring cleaning of my room. My windows are sparkling clean now, no dust bunnies in the room anywhere! I even cleaned the ceiling fan. I was amazed to see the amount of dust in my room. Urgh…

Called up Linda to have a copy of my attendance. I didn’t fill it up to that 28th May though, so I’m not sure if Linda would fill it all the way then. But I did go to school everyday. Went to night class again and when I was done, I found Amir waiting for me at the carpark. I’m starting to get nervous. I don’t think I want to hitch a ride with him any more. I don’t feel comfortable. I just think of him as a friend, that’s all.

I’m going to start my photography lessons today, and I’m so looking forward to it. I would love to learn those wonderful techniques professional photographers use for their models.

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I snapped this about 2 years ago while Estee Lauder was hosting a makeover and I enjoyed myself then. I love seeing people looking beautiful and radiate their self confidence after their makeover. Its uplifting to me.

So looking forward to tonight!

the rebirth of compy!

Ohhh yeah … compy’s back and I’m back in business! 🙂

I was waiting for my brother to come back so he could help me lug it to the computer shop to have it fixed. He looked at the cpu, mystically, he whipped out a screwdriver and waved his hands around and tinkered. And a few minutes later, lo and behold, my compy is ressurrected again. I was so amazed. Every. bit. of. data. is. there. I dont have to install everything from scratch again. I was so happy, I could have kissed Naz right there and then.

What happened was that I had two hard disk drives in the computer. One 20 gig and the other one the newer 120 gig. Apparently, the 20 gig one was set to master and the 120 was set to slave. The 20 gig got fried and thus didnt allow me to boot up or reinstall xp. All Naz did was to set the 120 gig drive to master and thats it. Dang. He’s so smart. I’m going to make a dedication for him.

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See him in all his majesty. See how when he walks, sun rays just shines though his tanned and sinewy body. He’s a greek god, with laurels in his head. And had the power to command lightning bolts. Oh Nazry, you’re the best brother ever. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Being offline for a couple for days has its own merits though. Yes, it does have its inconveniences as in I wasnt able to do alot of things, my assignments, my work, email and others but it did give me some time to think about what was important to do. And I noticed that I was able to do my work more effectively at the workplace since I knew that I didnt have any other means to do it except for there. So I was more focused.

Back home, with no connection, and nothing else to do, I was able to pick up the books that I wanted to read. I’m half way to the 55 tips to success now. And reading it, I’ve picked up some sound advice. Like listing out what is important and urgent and otherwise.

It makes things so much clearer when its being written out. The things that I have to fulfill. The list isnt complete, but are just some of the rough ideas that I have at the moment.

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For example, the important and urgent are the things that I should be doing immediately as its detrimental if I didnt do it.

Important and not urgent are the things that I should do, but I can put if off for a while.

Not important and urgent might sound strange, however there are a few situations when it is necessary. Like congratulating someone who has a raise and if the congratulations are procrastinated, it wouldnt feel right anymore.

Not important and not urgent are things that will bring fullfillment but arent a must.

Anyways, a few things I have to do at the moment, as night classes progressed, I’ve quite a few assignments to do research on right now. Better start on that before I delay it. I dont trust myself 😛

Well anyways, I’m glad to be back online again 🙂 Thank you again, bro! You’re the best!

I hate computers!

My computer is spoiled. Again. I’m typing this entry at work at the moment and at the same time trying to complete my literature essay and at the same time thinking of the materials for this afternoon’s IT lesson. Humm …

I reach home after monday’s night class and I found the door to my room unlocked. Strange. I always lock my door when I leave home. And I find my keyboard light on. I always switch the computer off when I’m done with it. I try to switch the computer on to read my email before I head to bed and I found this horrifying message.

Boot disk error

My heart just skipped a beat. Eek!

Then I try to reformat the computer and reinstalled XP.It wouldnt let me! It said

Hard disk may be damaged.


I spent practically every bit of my savings for the camera. I cant afford to fix the *&#*&$#* computer right now. Its like every time, I have a little bit of savings, the (#*(#&$*(#& computer spoils and I have to spend money to fix it.


I’m really (*#(&*#$(*#& pissed!

Virtual Emotions are still real emotions

I am constantly amazed at how some things that happens purely online could affect me so much.

Consider this. You are sitting at your computer. The other person is sitting over at their computer. There are absolutely no physical contact with each other. All the information being sent to each other are related to each other digitally.

And yet, in between all these, one bonds with each other and genuine emotions grow. This interesting cyber-life where we go to, where there is no sense of touch and yet, incredibly we able to touch each other in other way, through the heart.

I felt gladness when Dynatec and Geri passed their studies. Gladness when Dismay found a wonderful person to have as a partner. Happiness when Zozee found love with lion, a man whom she’s been with ever since I knew her.

I felt disgust when there were drama posts back while I was addicted to neopets, especially at a middle aged man who was an attention seeker in a largely children populated site. He did countless spams of how “clever” and “rich” he was and nonsensical attention seeking posts. This, a 32 year old man in an impressionable website full of 10 – 15 year olds. Well, one thing good about him was how entertaining he was though, spawning different stories day by day. The soap opera that I did not need to watch on television.

I felt sadness upon hearing the death of Undercore and Glonan. Both of them have touched my life back in cybertown, a community that I was part of for a while. Undercore was friendly and never made me feel like I was a dumb newbie while I started out.

Residents in cybertown went by ranks during those days, one can start out as a block deputy and rise up to mayor if one could make it. And even though he was of a high rank, he was friendly to everyone.

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avatar of undercore

Undercore was gone too soon. He went driving and a drunk driver rammed up to his jeep and killed him instantly. Undercore was only 17.

I don’t remember how I met Glonan, but I remembered how wonderful she was. We only met briefly when I was less than a month old in Cybertown. She noticed that I loved faeries very much and gave me a faerie painting as a gift. The fact that she remembered it was touching and I knew that this was a wonderful person to be friends with. I learnt that was a retiree, she usually lives alone in Alaska. This strong, amazing woman was able to climb hills to chop firewood when she is strong enough, and when she grew weaker, continued to do odd jobs around the house.

She was always so nice to me and everyone around her. She offered to make me real life crafts. I had to say no, I couldn’t accept such niceties like that. She insisted, saying that it will be something to remember her by.

For a while, I didn’t understand what she meant by that.

I got a package in the post and received a pair of earrings that she crafted. I thanked her profusely and marvelled again and again at how this creation, crafted by a real life person, that I know of, on the other side of the world, crafted by hand is now in my possession.

“I’m going to make you shorts next,what size are you?”
“You really don’t have to Glonan, you did so many nice things for me already”
“Nonsense! I like making things, hun!”

That was the last conversation I had with her. I didn’t see her online for a few weeks and then I heard from her daughter announcing online that she’s passed away and has given in to her disease. She will be missed, so much. I still think about her, this charming, wonderful lady who loves to call me hun.

So in retrospective, I should not be surprised that I feel emotionally distraught with someone that I cared for very much was feeling bad about himself. I’m still surprised though as it could be a miscommunication. It could be my part on being hyper-sensitive. It could also just be bad timing. But I feel bad when he feels bad. And what made me upset about the whole situation is how helpless I am about it all. I cant do anything about it. I cant stand this helplessness. I cant.

The thing about online relationships …

I saw an online friend of mine on msn, Zoozee, whom I met from Cybertown. I haven’t met her for a while, so I decided to say hello. It turned out that she just accepted a proposal from Lion (Also from Cybertown) and I was really glad for her. I wasn’t surprised though, because they were one of the most closely knit couples in-world that I’ve ever met and I was really happy for the couple.

As the far as I could remember, online relationships has always been around ever since the ability to communicate with other people was possible. Romance bloomed even in the the days of the BBS bulletin board, moving to the heydays of IRC and then to 3D communities.

I was just looking at my backup CD and saw an old email that an online boyfriend gave me. My first online relationship would be somewhere in late 1996. Mirc was really popular then. I would log on and spend time with the people there, ranging from the weird, the interesting, the crazies, the funnies. There were many different types of characters there that I didn’t even needed to watch television any more since MIRC was more entertaining for me with all the antics there.

As how human nature grows there are a group of people that you’d feel connected to and I felt a close bond to a group of menageries and we hang around more. They were a really close bunch of real life friends and went for frequent outings and thus on-line friends became real life friends in just a few moments.

I wasn’t able to go to these outings since I was in Jurong Institute then and didn’t have that much free time. Nevertheless, I got to know this guy and we easily became friends. I don’t know how we suddenly became closer but he was interesting to me. I found myself chatting with him till the next morning. His comment of “Hey, it’s time for me to wake up now!” in particular made me chuckle. We then proceeded to talk on the phone for a few days and I liked his voice and looked forward to talking to him.

Online, he was always sweet, funny and protective which was very endearing qualities that I liked. Reading that email, I forgotten the nickname he used to call me “wify”. Now I think I’d turn to mush if anyone calls me that again but I thought it was sweet then.

He tried to meet up with me but since I was busy with school, I had to decline many times. But after a while, perhaps out of guilt (?) or a sense of curiosity, I agreed to go to a channel gathering. There I was, an awkward 18 year old, straight from school, in my grey school uniform surrounded by these rambunctious and boisterous hip and funny people. I then saw him and I smiled at the Chinese guy with the long floppy hair and he smiled back at me.

At the end of the gathering, he took my hand and we walked hand in hand and had our first kiss. I couldn’t help but taste the strong chilli sauce on his tongue. That really put me off.

We met again for a couple of times more, and he was even more sweeter on MIRC to me. And it was obvious that the channel regarded us as “the couple”. That was when he started calling me “wify” and became even more protective towards me.

Unfortunately, there was a problem. After we met, I didn’t feel that connection and didn’t feel anything more towards him than a friend. So I told him and he didn’t take it well. Called me names and since he was a mod in that room, banned me. So, that’s the end I suppose.

Anyway, I think I’ll stop here for the moment. There are still other things that I’d like to say about this topic, but I guess that would have to wait till another day.