Category: random thoughts

I was on my way to head to a talk at the British School at Rome. With the event being held just after working hours, I had to go there by myself as Cart was not able to send me.

I did a search online for the directions and was on my way to the place, pretty much drama free.

Even when I did get confused, I didn’t panic like how I used to last year. Last year I’ve always had irrational fears mostly stemming from me looking very un-Italian. This time round, I felt more confident in myself.

And then it dawned to me.

I don’t feel so helpless anymore and that I’m actually really getting used to life here as compared to feeling the extreme homesickness when I first arrived here. So much has happened since then.

And I feel very hopeful about the future.

Donkey years ago, while I was back in school doing my O levels, there was one part of the examinations where you were tested on your ability to speak. You were given a picture, describe it and then later you’ll be given a set of open questions where you are required to talk as fluidly as possible.

I still remember the advice that Ms Gopal, our english and literature teacher dispensed to us, the class of 4E6 :

Class! During your orals, talk as much as you can! Try not to let them prompt you because that means that you don’t have much to say!

And being the art class, as opposed to the pure science students, we were considered, and even expected to be talkative. Many of my classmates would be going about confidently. Talking? It will be easy! All you have to do is just to talk whatever bullshit that you want.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of these talkative people. Instead, I took a back seat and would just rather listen and process the information.

When the day of judgement arrived, I tried to find all the courage that I could.

It didn’t start off well. The man who was invigilating me looked bored. He never smiled and looked stern. Already, I was feeling uncomfortable. I sat down and gave a nervous smile.

Please begin, he said listlessly.

I was freaking out. What am I supposed to say? Oh gosh, I feel so nervous! My mind is blank right now! I could not bear to look at his bored face, so I looked down in desperation.

And I saw that the invigilator had his shoe out and was dangling it around in boredom and that freaked me out even more. Am I so boring?!

When it all ended, I knew that I did extremely bad in my oral examination. A gargantuan feeling of upset was palpitating inside me and I rushed off to the empty guides room and cried my eyes out.

Now, donkey years later, I still get that feeling sometimes when I meet new people. Although of course, being much older, the years has made me grow better defences. Nevertheless, I still feel stunned when I meet people who gives that look. That is where I start to become mechanical.

I guess there are people who can’t help their body languages but I just don’t feel comfortable. I don’t feel like I can express myself well and give my opinion freely without feeling judged.

It makes me miss the chitchat sessions that I have with my good friends. Even if we have differing opinions, and not share the same thoughts, at the end of the day, we are still love each other.

Maybe I am thinking too deeply into this and I’ll just try to take each experience as a learning experience.

In any case, back to when I was a teenager, months after the oral examination, the results were out in the notice board. I looked at it nervously, fearing for all the worst. And I tentatively looked at the grade beside my name.

A+

Huh? 

Truth be told, there are days when I feel a little upset reading some of the things online.

Like a couple of blogs when they write about the perfect lives they are having, attending glamorous events, flying off to different countries, buying expensive accessories for themselves. There was a blog which I stumbled upon where one particular woman wrote about how happy she was to receive a 10,000 dollar branded bag by her husband, that she’s been “eyeing for a long time”.

Personally for me, I wouldn’t want to blow $10,000 on a bag. I’d rather spend the money on perhaps improving the house or help ease  the mortgage. Anyhow, even if I did have a ten thousand dollar bag, I’d probably be too stressed to bring it out, afraid that I’d scratch it. Or even worse, get it stolen by a sharp eyed thief.

Kind of like when Carrie from Sex and the City got her Manolos stolen

While I think that a person has the right to spend their money any way that they want, I wish that I could have a piece of that too. Back in Singapore I was working and earning comfortably enough to buy whatever frivolous things that I wanted. Here in Rome, I don’t feel confident enough to converse in Italian to start looking for a full time job.

While in forums, there are a couple of people who seem to be disgruntled towards me and Cart for some reason. They’d say things like our marriage will never make it past a month. And there was one forumer who said that Cart and I were ugly!?

Why so mean? I’ve no idea why there would be people saying things like that. Did we ever hurt you in any way?

In any case, at this point of time, Cart and I have been together for four years and celebrated our one year wedding anniversary last December. While its true that every marriage has its ups and downs but we still love and care about each other very much.

Besides, beauty is subjective.

While scientists believe that the beautiful form has a symmetry and the mathematical ratio of 1 : 1.618 like this model here, but if you are not attracted to a person, be it because of their personality or their level of conversation, even if he or she looks like a supermodel, it will be hard to connect to them.

People can think what they want to think. And while I don’t look like a supermodel, I don’t think I’m ugly.  And to me, Cart will always look cute.

Sure, he’s a little older than me. But when I look at him doing daily things like sleeping, working at the computer, I see that he still has his boyish looks.

Most importantly, he treats me with love, care and respect and we are mostly drama free. I feel very blessed to have met a man who wants to travel with me in my journeys instead of a man who just wants in for the ride.

And even in my own blog and in emails, once in a blue moon there would be someone who’d want to cut me down.

I really don’t know how to respond to that because honestly, its a lot of hot air. Honestly, I don’t mind constructive criticisms. You could either take it negatively or positively and when you think about it, it can be a good way to improve oneself.

I do admit that there are other bloggers who are better and more successful than I am, and sometimes my posts can sometimes be bimbotty, as seen in my female vanities categories but in my defence, I do honestly believe that I try to share information with others in my own way. It might not be textbook perfect, but I write in my own point of view from my personal experiences. “Write what you know“, my mantra, inspired by the talented, late, director, Yasmin Ahmad.

A number of people seem to forget that a personal blog is well … a personal blog and the blogger has the freedom to express and write whatever they wish to write about, as long as it doesn’t go against seditious law. If they want to be bimbottic, or if they want to make their make their blogs with hundreds of camwhoring pictures of them making duckfaces, that’s their prerogative. I’m not fond of it either, but there is always the x button on the top right.

But I try not to let these things get me. A fellow blogger friend mentioned to me, these people are just trolls.

Picture by DavidKing

Trolls are basically people who antagonise others online. And usually they are not as cute as the one above. But what I find interesting is that for what these trolls are commenting, they don’t have anything to back them up.

For the trolls who says that I am ugly or that my teeth need fixing, a big probability that they would have no real pictures of themselves up. And for trolls who say that I have a horrible voice would have a big chance of not having uploaded even a single video of themselves.

If you keep yourself hidden, then how am I to worship and learn from your divine beauty and wit and grace?!

In any case, I’ve been living an online life for about 10 years now since I first had my first computer. Technology has evolved a lot since then, from newsgroups, to IRC, to Virtual Worlds and it will continue to change, and each change would have its own anti social people.

But the good thing out of this is that it made me grow a thicker skin and not be too bothered because in the end, the point of having an online life, blogging, traversing virtual worlds, gaming in MMORPG and such is to have fun.

What’s the point of being sensitive and angry all the time? It’ll only make you lose the joy and shorten your life and in the end wont do anything good because you can’t really do anything about trolls. It is hard to change the mind of someone who has already made their mind up.

So lets just try to see the good things in life, and surround ourselves with the people that we love.  There are so much more fulfilling things to do than to focus on the negatives 🙂

Its hard for me to express how extremely devastated I am to know of Yasmin Ahmad’s passing. When I heard the news of her collapsing and being rushed to the hospital, I honestly thought that she will be well again. My dad had a stroke too and he got better afterwards.

But when I checked my twitter timeline to see friends tweeting about her passing, at first I was in denial. And then it sinked in and I felt so emotional, that the tears just flowed.

She was one of my role models. I first got to know her work while watching The Love Story of Tan Hong Ming. And the first thing that I thought was what an adorable story it was, but it had an under-lying message of being race-blind. Being in an interracial relationship myself, it just touched me.

It was only later when I was chatting with Mintea, that I realised that I had watched quite a number of her works previously. Such as this petronas ad in 2007

I was such a sap that got emotional and cried at each and every one of them. They all touched me.

That made me extremely excited and I was fortunate enough to meet her last year during the launch of one of her campaigns. She was regal, she was witty and she was charming. It was hard not to fall in love with her. She had an elegance about her.

She shared with us on how she overcame adversities being a woman and a Malay by quoting this simple sentence : The thicker and deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus grows and that really stuck to me.

And she also shared with us that to be a good storyteller, be it a writer or a director, is not to control too much and just go ahead and share what you know. Many a times I don’t think that I’m such a fantastic writer, compared to others, but what she said gave motivation for me to continue writing for this blog. So I write through my own eyes. No pretences. No bullshit.

I could have listened to her for hours.

Later through the year, I managed to catch Gubra with my family and then Muallaf with Daphne. It was unconventional, and as it touched many sensitive topics, it was probably not a film that everyone would appreciate but I loved it. Yasmin had the balls to stand up for herself. And I was looking forward to see more of her genius-ity.

But she’s gone too soon. We’ve just lost the storyteller. And I’m devastated.

pic via Wordlife

Innalillahiwainnalilahirajuun

With every new chapter in life, is a good opportunity for a fresh start. So I’ll start a new, as if this is the first entry in my blog.

Hai!

No, I dont pose like an Asian

My name is Marina. I enjoy the arts, music and a whole multitude of things. I also enjoy exploring new places. As a kid, I had an extremely inquisitive mind and sometimes get myself into trouble by exploring and wandering on my own by getting lost.

Online, I am known as rinaz. Its nothing extraordinary actually, its just a short form for marina’s. Even the cartoon representation of me came out as a fluke, drawing on Macromedia (or is it Adobe now?) Flash on a bored weekend.

Anyway, I am a Singaporean and have been living there most of my life. And life was pretty much ordinary and idyllic. During the weekdays I would go to work and after that meet my good friends, Juli, Hema and Geri every now and then.

It was only till a few years ago when things started to be a little more exciting. After my exhillarating trip to Thailand, I decided to take up my riding license. I started to blog and I explored various 3D communities.

It just opened up my world.

I passed my riding test and acquired a scooter after that. I fell in love with riding my scooter. I experienced places in Singapore that I wouldn’t normally go to – even those which I never realised existed! Whoever knew that there was a goat farm in urban Singapore?

With the blogging and the online community as well as the motoring community, I met people that I enjoyed being with both online and in real life. It was a great feeling, to be a part of something.

Life is pretty good.

I met Cartcart on Secondlife. We fell in love and after a whirlwind long distance romance, exactly four years after we tied the knot online, we got married for real.

A week after that, I migrated to Italy, to live with Cart.

The first few weeks was probably the hardest. It was winter and cold and deary. A huge shock for me, living on the equator for most my life. I didnt speak the language. Save for Cart’s family and friends, I didn’t know anyone here. I felt extremely lonely.

I could not even do the things I used to enjoy doing anymore. Like scootering. And I feel like I’m missing out on a lot back in Singapore. To be completely honest, every now and then, I get depressed.

Its leaving a whole life behind. Something that you’re familiar with, that you’ve nurtured for years. Its an entire culture shock when I arrived in Italy. And the awareness made me feel very very small. I feel like a nobody here.

But I’m trying to be more positive. And I’ve been trying my best to assimilate to the culture and people here. The first 5 months, I undertook the Italian language course. I still suck at speaking Italian, but its a first step.

Me and my multinational classmates in Italian language class

And thanks to facebook, I found a few interesting events that I could go to and meet some people. I even found some Singaporeans here in Rome. Can you believe that?

Here are two of the very lovely ladies with Dea.

After all, its a choice that I made, right? Rome isn’t made in a day, and as such, I shouldnt expect to rebuild my life in a snap. It takes time. And effort. Its not easy. But I just have to have faith.

When I was 15, I distinctly remembered reading in my geography textbook a chapter about population.

Big glasses were totally fashionable then

According to the book, there are some countries which had homogeneous population. Homogeneous meant that the entire country consisted of only their own race. And two of the most evident examples are Italy and Japan.

However, as globalization becomes increasingly common, the textbook is now a relic rather than a book of facts.

Just a regular walk to the market for example, and I’d see a multitude of nationalities. Just today, I bought some chicken from an Egyptian guy and a few steps away is a Bangladeshi guy selling me some Thai rice.

And if you’d browse through Wati’s blog, you’d see the same phenomenon in Japan.

What I studied years ago doesn’t hold true for the situation now.

In fact, its even common for a subject newly taught in schools to be obsolete right when the student graduate. And it makes me wonder, in this day of age where nothing is constant any more, is it even worth to study?

January

May

Almost 5 months I’ve been here. Slowly easing in. The homesickness pangs are not as bad as before.

I still miss Singapore though.

I wonder how everyone is doing. Wish I could be there with you all.

Last Monday at 3.30am – I was fast asleep when I was awakened by a movement. It felt as if someone was shaking the bed. I turned to Cart beside me and we were both confused. Whats going on? Was it an earthquake?

The shaking lasted for about 20 seconds. And despite how tired I felt, I was alarmed and needed to do something. I immediately switched on my netbook to check if there were any reports.

There were a number of people on twitter reporting their encounter. After some while, I went back to bed.

It was only in the morning when listening to the radio when I realised that there was a huge earthquake in Abruzzo, about 80 kilometers from Rome.

Its heartbreaking just to hear about it.

Even now, after the incident, we still get aftershocks. On Tuesday, Cart’s mum said that there was a rumble that the chandelier was shaking. And yesterday, there was another rumble. If the people in Rome could feel it, just imagine how strong it would be over in Abruzzo.

I’ve never experienced an earthquake before. Its quite frightening.

Related link

• Earthquake in Abruzzo

This is it.

Less than 30 days to our solemnization.

At this point of time, I’m still scurrying on some things that needs to be tied up. My dad’s been busy sending the wedding cards, mum’s been busy with sewing clothes and I’ve been busy mostly with the processing of the documents needed for the marriage.

And honestly, I feel so unprepared and unready for the whole ceremony. I worry sometimes that in the end, we could not get married for something that I forgotten to do. Lately I’ve been having anxiety attacks over the entire events.

But I’m not having cold feet. I love him very much. He has been so kind and patient, gentle and loving to me. And though I don’t know what the future brings for me, I cannot wait for to spend the rest of my days with him.

Just a bit more dearest, we can do it 🙂